Look At Me
by Annie-the-Writer
Summary: Eli crashed his hearse, and Clare blames herself. So when he gets back from Rehab to discover a new Clare, how will he react? And more importantly, will he be able to save her from herself. Better than it sounds! Please read!
1. Chapter 1

Adam Torres was watching her. And not in a creepy way. In an I'm-really-concerned way. You had to give him credit though, it wasn't without reason. If you told him a few months ago that Clare Edwards would grow to be an empty lifeless shell of the girl he once knew he would have laughed in your face. Clare Edwards?

That girl had so much life and spunk he thought she'd one day would bring happiness to every single place on this earth. But looking at her now...well now he wasn't so sure. She sat straight up in her desk, hands in her lap. Her attention seemed wholly focused forward on Ms. Dawes.

But unless you were really paying attention, like Adam, unless you really knew her, like Adam did, you wouldn't notice. You wouldn't notice how even though it seemed like Clare had her hands folded in her lap, really she was digging her long nails into her wrist and you would see little droplets of blood. You wouldn't notice the even though she was sitting up, her shoulders were hunched over as if she had the weight of the world on her shoulders.

And the eyes. If you really were paying attention, you would see the hollow utter emptiness in them. Sometimes Adam would look away if she looked at him directly, he would keep talking to his shoes. They were scary, those eyes. The bright blue had faded to a dull gray. Adam didn't even know that was possible. There was no depth, no warmth. Just hollow pools of the saddest gray.

And not to mention her voice. It had lost its girlish squeak. It was completely monotone. No, Clare Edwards was not fine. No matter how many times she told him that, told Alli that, told her mom. Clare Edwards was not fine at all. And even though he hated to put the blame on a single person, Adam knew exactly what or who in this case, had literally sucked the life right out of her. And the person was-

"Ah Mr. Goldsworthy, how very nice of you to join us. Maybe a detention will help you understand the importance of showing up to class on time," Ms. Dawes smiled.

And sure enough, there he was. Eli Goldsworthy. The teen was clad in black jeans with a dark grey t-shirt. His black hair was artfully styled to appear messy and his green eyes were alive and bright. "Sorry Ms. Dawes, I was with Principal Simpson. You see I just got back from... my vacation," Eli said, his signature smirk sliding into place. Adam noticed that he looked healthy. Well fed. Normal. Bullfrog and CeCe had thought it would be beneficial for Eli to visit rehab for a while and it seemed to have worked. He took in Eli's appearance and quickly checked Clare.

While most of the class had turned to stare at Eli, Clare had not. Adam didn't know if she was ignoring his presence or if she hadn't even noticed what was going on. That was worst case scenario. She got like that sometimes. Mostly she was quiet, rarely speaking unless spoken to, but sometimes she got scary quiet and she would sit staring forwards not even noticing people were talking to her or around her. Those times freaked Adam out the most. He had to check every time to make sure she was still breathing. Adam hoped beyond hoped she was just ignoring him.

It took a lot to break her out of her "trance" he called it. It hadn't ever happened at school and he was worried about her breaking down like she usually did once he managed to get her out of it. Adam remembered the first time it happened. They were at her house watching a movie. Well, he was watching, she was staring blankly at the TV. as if she wasn't seeing anything at all. It took him a minute to figure out this was a "trance" not just her 'now' normal quietness. He had to slap her, something he hated deeply, to get her to breathe and look at him.

And then? Then she started to cry. Horrible sobs tore up out of her tiny body and she literally fell over and clutched at her chest as if trying to rip her heart out. Adam had panicked and asked if she needed some water. Lame, but he didn't know what else to do with her shaking and screaming. And then just like that, her crying had stopped and she went quiet and still. Adam helped her to her feet and put her back on the couch. He was still freaking out for the rest of the afternoon until Clare's mom got home. He didn't tell her because he didn't want Clare to get sent to the loony bin or something.

Since that day though, it had only happened twice more. Once at Adam's house (Drew had run screaming) and once when he had convinced her to go walking with him through the park. That one was a bit more interesting. A couple of kids walking past had thought she was acting and were laughing and clapping. After Adam had chased them off, he practically had to drag Clare back to her house. Needless to say, he did not need her to go "trance" on him right now. No one knew the whole story. Bits and pieces were thrown around. They said she was depressed over Eli leaving. Some say he dumped her and that's what ruined her. Some even go as far to say he raped her and has been in Juvie the last few months. Idiots.

None of them knew that Eli had crashed his hearse into a wall for Clare. No one knew he'd almost died. And no one knew that Clare Edwards believed that it was all her fault. Okay so yeah Eli was being a bit dramatic in doing that, but did he have to call her and tell her it was her fault? Adam wanted to choke the boy sometimes. Eli had been shipped right to the rehab place after being released from the hospital. He had no idea what happened to Clare. No idea what she'd become. Well he's in for a shock, Adam thought bitterly to himself.

"Very well, take your seat," Ms. Dawes sighed and then continued. "As I was saying, the final project counts for 80% of your final grade. You'll be working with the partner I've assigned to you. You will be assigned a book and you will both read and write papers on the book. You will be in charge of proofreading each other's work. That means if your partner fails to indent a paragraph, you will get marked off! Are we clear?" There was a murmured acknowledgement.

"Good then! I will be passing out your book assignment. Get with your partner." Adam immediately looked over to watch Eli turn around. He had a smirk on his face but it quickly slipped off when he locked eyes with Clare. His jaw dropped slightly and his eyes grew large and they took in her appearance. Of course he noticed the eyes first. So lifeless and gray, staring right through him as if he weren't even there. No more was the crystal blue that he got lost in so many times.

The bright aquamarine that made him feel as if he would never be sad again. It was replaced with this hollowed-out empty stare. He wandered if she even saw him. His eyes moved over her face. Dark purple circles under her eyes, hollow cheeks, her lips white and cracked. She was pale. And by pale he meant like white clouds pale. There was no color in her cheeks, no deviously glint in her eye, no smirk on her once plumps pink lips, nothing.

She was wearing a pair of the baggiest sweatpants he'd ever seen and a t-shirt that was so large it hung off of one shoulder. He wondered if she even noticed to push it back up, probably not. Her hair was longer than the last time he'd seen her, but instead of the springy curls he was used to, her dull locks hung around her face lifelessly. Sort of like the rest of her.

This was not his Clare. Not the Clare whose glasses he ran over. Not the Clare he confessed his Julia secret to. Not the Clare who helped him get over his hoarding. He expected her to be angry with him. He expected her to yell, to scream. But this? This was not even close.

"Clare?" He asked tentatively. And suddenly the bell rang. Eli watched as Clare seemed to wake up, almost, and she grabbed her bag off the ground, not looking at him. Before she could pull up fully he caught sight of her wrists. Horribly ugly lines were cut into the once smooth skin. Fingernail marks etched deep. Eli wanted to vomit. What the hell had happened? He sat frozen as she walked out of the classroom, staring blankly ahead. "Eli," a voice hissed. He turned. "Adam! What the hell is going on?"


	2. Chapter 2

"It started after you left for Rehab," Adam finally admitted twenty minutes later as the two sat over coffee at the Dot. Eli had convinced Adam to skip class, and determined, made him explain. To Eli, this opener sounded a lot like the one he'd given to Clare when he told her about the hoarding. The memory made his stomach clench painfully. _That _Clare was gone.

"The first week of Spring Break, she called CeCe to ask how you were doing, and when you're Mom told her that they were checking you into the Rehab center, Clare just lost it. Actually, if you want the honest truth, I think she was border line freaked out before then too. You're Mom's announcement kind of set her off," Adam shrugged. "But why didn't CeCe tell me?" Eli demanded.

"Heck if I know bro. Maybe she didn't think it was important. I don't think she even knows about Clare," Adam said picking up his coffee. "When you say that CeCe's words set Clare off…what do you mean? Why is she like this Adam?" Eli asked through gritted teeth. He was really freaking out about this whole thing. And he was also extremely worried about Clare right now, and didn't think she should be alone judging but how fresh the cuts on her wrist looked.

"Eli, come on dude, put two and two together. Clare blames herself for your accident. She knows that you did it because of her, hell you freaking told her that when you called her," Adam said. Even though Adam hadn't raised his voice above normal, Eli flinched as if Adam had shouted.

"Adam, of course it isn't her fault. It was my stupid mistake. I crashed the hearse because I was upset. I talked about it in therapy, and I came to the conclusion that yeah, I was smothering her, and yeah it was stupid and irrational," Eli rolled his eyes. Adam ground him teeth. Eli wasn't taking this seriously.

"Dammit Eli!" Adam said, slamming his hand into the table. It shook slightly and half of the people in the Dot turned towards them in alarm. Adam ignored them. "Eli, this isn't a petty game of 'let's point fingers.' Clare is in trouble. Serious trouble. She went mental after you got sent away. She stopped talking, stopped eating, stopped living. She doesn't write, doesn't do her school work. Hell, if I didn't do most of her homework for her, she'd be failing.

She barely talks to anyone, and sometimes she goes into the mental shock thing and I think she's forgotten that she's supposed to be breathing," Adam hissed all in one breath. Eli sat shocked at Adam's sudden outburst. "What do you mean 'forgets to breath?'" he asked. Adam slumped down in his chair.

"It's not something I've told anyone about," he admitted hesitantly, "It happened about two weeks after you left. Now, by this point she'd already stopped talking to pretty much everyone unless someone asked her a direct question. And since most people couldn't even stand to see her like that anyways, no one bothers her. We were at her house, watching a movie or something and she just, I don't know, spaced out. But not like a normal space out. You know like the kind I get in Pre-Cal when-"

"Adam!" Eli hissed bringing him back from his usual ramble. Adam shook his head. "Sorry. So anyways, so she like stopped breathing. As in I couldn't see her moving at all. And for a moment I thought that she was dead Eli. Like fucking dead, on the couch beside me, eyes wide open and everything. I slapped her hard and she just kind of unfroze. I don't think I've ever been more relived in my life. She sort of fell then, off the couch and curled up into a ball and started to scream. Like hysterically, and then I saw she was crying and clutching at her chest.

I thought maybe she was having an asthma attack, and I asked her if she needed water or something. I don't even think she heard me. I have never heard a girl cry that loudly in my entire life," Adam shivered in remembrance. Eli sat frozen in his seat. "What?" Adam asked when Eli didn't respond. "When I was seven, my grandmother died. My dad's sister went into total depression. She used to have these episodes where she would freak out and start screaming.

They put her away in a mental hospital and she's still in there," Eli said softly. Adam choked on his coffee. "I didn't tell anyone about it. I thought the same thing would happen to her. I don't want Clare to be sent away. Not to a place like that. I've seen the movies. They freaking strap you to your bed," Adam's eyes widened. "Clare is not going to that place. My aunt lives in a room with four white walls and a metal bed. That's all. Clare would die in a place like that," Eli snapped. "Well she's not doing so well out here either dude," Adam said slumping in his chair.

On the table Eli's hands were shaking. He wanted to hit something, anything. How had this happened? How had everyone let Clare spiral so far out of control? How had- "Adam, why haven't Clare's parents tried to get her help?" Adam rolled his eyes. "Clare's dad moved to the states after they separated. He's marrying some 25 year old floozy and Clare's mom, well she's aware but she doesn't know what to do. Clare freaks her out. Hell Eli, Clare freaks everyone out." Eli sighed heavily.

"Does anyone know about the cutting?" "Just me, and you, and Alli," Adam sighed. "Alli? Where's Alli in all of this?" Eli asked with a raised eyebrow. "Alli tried to help Clare at first. She tried getting her to talk and to eat. She asks me for updates every day, but there's nothing she can do. There's nothing anyone can do," Adam shrugged. "But Clare's still cutting. She's hurting herself!" Eli hissed. "Eli, the best that we can do right now is making sure that Clare stays alive. Alli and I are 16. What else can we do?" Adam asked. "Well, I'm not going to sit here and just 'keep Clare alive.' I'm going to fix her!" Eli announced angrily as he stood up from the table. "Eli!" Adam said grabbing his arm, "There's nothing you can do. I've tried!" "Not hard enough!" Eli growled yanking his arm back.

"Eli, look dude, I know you want to help, but it's going to be a lot harder than you think to fix what _you've_ broken!" Adam shouted as Eli pulled the door open. Eli froze and his shoulders tensed. "Don't say that to me again," Eli said with a serious calm. "Clare is not broken, she just needs some help." "Eli man, I get it. I do, but it's just not that easy. She's messed up. Badly, and I don't think she's going to get better," Adam said softly from behind. "Clare was there for me when I needed her the most. I pushed everyone away, but she fought for me. And now, I'm going to do the same for her," Eli stated and left the building, the door slamming behind him.


End file.
